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Archive for August 26th, 2019

I’m getting worried that Senator Bernie Sanders is fading in the polls.

That doesn’t make me happy. I want Crazy Bernie to stay relevant.

Why? Because he’s an endless source of clever satire.

Previous editions of Bernie humor can be found here and here.

For today’s edition, let’s start with the fact that Bernie has used political office to become a millionaire, yet he doesn’t put his money where his mouth is (the federal government actually has a website for people who are foolish enough to pay extra tax).

Bernie also has an opinion on the protests in Hong Kong. At least according to the satirists at the Babylon Bee.

As soon as Bernie Sanders heard about the democratic protesters in Hong Kong, he knew something had to be done. The U.S. senator quickly chartered a flight to Hong Kong… Sanders bravely stood in the middle of the conflict between police and protesters, shouting at the “ungrateful little dissenters”… “Remember, you could have it a lot worse—you could be in America!” Sanders bellowed as police officers for the totalitarian regime beat protesters in the background. …Sanders continued his long-winded rant about the need for the government to own the means of production, how great breadlines are, and how bad things are in capitalist America as protesters got dragged away by police to be disappeared. “Just think—in America, we have to pick between 14 different types of deodorant!” he said, his fingers flopping around like limp sausages.

While this story is amusing, the folks at Babylon Bee screwed up. The people of Hong Kong aren’t protesting because they live in a communist system.

They’re protesting because they’re worried that China will sooner or later absorb them into a communist system.

But since so much real media is “fake but accurate” (or is it “accurate but fake”?), I’m not going to worry about details.

Let’s now shift to another example of Babylon Bee satire.

Showing himself to be a compassionate man of the people who cares deeply about the plight of the downtrodden, Senator Bernie Sanders selflessly offered a stack of bills to a homeless man on the street Monday after fishing the money out of a purse sitting next to a woman on a park bench. Sanders had been…on the prowl for people who looked like they had too much money when he leaped out to steal the wallet from the purse… The Vermont senator..saw a homeless man sitting nearby, begging for money. Moved by the pathetic sight of the man’s disheveled appearance, Sanders found it in his heart to commit a random act of kindness, digging through the wallet until he was able to find several $20 bills and slipping them into the man’s hand. “It’s not theft—it’s redistribution,” he told reporters later. “I was simply…doing what any old citizen couldn’t do without committing a crime. But it’s different because I’m the government, see?” At publishing time, the Senator was seen pocketing the rest of the money.

How very generous he is with other people’s money!

Last but not least, here’s a game from Imgur that allows anyone to prepare a Bernie speech. For some reason, it reminds me of State-of-the-Union bingo during the Obama years.

For other examples of Bernie humor, you can click hereherehereherehereherehere, and here.

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