Debate Jokes and other Gems from the Late-Night Talk Shows

As part of my comments and analysis about the Obama-Romney debate, I shared a couple of Big Bird jokes.

But as you can well imagine, Leno, Letterman, and the rest found lots of good material.

Let’s review their debate jokes, as well as the other good one-liners they had in the past few weeks.

Jay Leno

• The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.
• They’re saying close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn’t tune in was President Obama.
• President Obama talked last night about finding other sources of energy for the future. Other sources? He couldn’t muster up enough energy for the 90-minute debate!
• To make matters worse, last night was President Obama’s wedding anniversary. Let me tell you something. The only way his anniversary could’ve been worse is if he’d forgotten it.
• At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, “The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.” Which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.
• Al Gore is going to be covering the debate for his network, Current TV. Al Gore on Current TV, talking about Mitt Romney. That is like the perfect storm of boring.
• The minute the replacement refs were fired, President Obama said, “See, sometimes losing a job can be a good thing.”
• A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for President Obama to do something about the economy.
• President Obama is so confident that he’s thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again.
• Congratulations to Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on “60 Minutes” last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.
• The president’s re-election campaign slogan is “Forward,” which is also his policy on paying for stuff.
• A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, “Obama, please save my home.” To which Obama said, “Hey lady, I’m trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?”

David Letterman

• Here’s another blow to the Romney campaign. Earlier today, that empty chair endorsed Obama.
• It’s fall in New York City and today Mayor Bloomberg banned 16-ounce cups of chowder.

Conan

• At one point last night, President Obama said the one thing about being president is learning to say no. Especially when someone asks, “Do you feel ready for this debate?”
• Mitt Romney went after PBS last night. It’s about time someone went after those guys. It’s about time someone took some starch out of their collars.
• During last night’s debate, Mitt Romney said he would cut funds to PBS even though he loves Big Bird. And he said he’s definitely against whatever Bert and Ernie are up to.
• Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.
• The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine.
• Pig farmers are predicting a global bacon shortage. However, they say the shortage can be averted if Chris Christie converts to Islam.
• It’s rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can’t wait to see Romney’s appearance on BET.
• At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent.

Jimmy Kimmel

• Most analysts think Mitt Romney won the debate last night. Which means President Obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night.
• The only thing that could have salvaged the president’s performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage.
• Tonight also happens to be Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. That seems very convenient. “Honey, I’d love to go to the ballet with you, but I’m debating Mitt Romney that night.”
• You have to figure Snooki will vote for Obama. She might be the only person in America who is better off now than she was four years ago.

Jimmy Fallon

• Last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn’t show up for the event — Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama.
• Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Not only that, it was also Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. It was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10:00 for cuddle time.
• While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast-food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, “Burrito?” And Romney was like, “Hey there, Burrito. My name is Mitt Romney. Pleasure to meet you.”
• With the first presidential debate less than a week away, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They’re asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, “Way ahead of you. Don’t worry about that.”
• Security workers at JFK Airport are complaining that they don’t have enough time to do their jobs thoroughly. Last time I flew, the TSA guy said, “Uh, just grope yourself.”
• A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent.

Craig Ferguson

• Michelle Obama won Family Circle’s bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn’t she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She’s contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office.
• The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He’s been in America one day and he’s already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls.

Thanks to News-Max.com for compiling these. If you want to see more of my favorites, click here, here, here, here, here, here,here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

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One Very Good Thing on an Otherwise Grim Sports Saturday

Last March, I shared a narcissistic post to self-congratulate myself on knocking a home run over the fence at a tournament in Richmond.

This almost never happens now that I’ve become a decrepit old guy, so I decided to share the news.

Well, 560 days later, it happened again. Earlier today, at our final tournament of the year, I managed to line one over the left field fence.

Here’s the satellite view of City View Park in Virginia Beach, VA, with an approximate illustration of what may be the last over-the-fence home run of my lengthy softball career.

Some day, I expect there will be a historical marker to commemorate this important event.

But there is also some bad news to share.

• My home run put us up by seven runs going into the other team’s final at-bat, yet we managed to lose.
• My beloved Georgia Bulldogs got spanked last night by the South Carolina Gamecocks.
• At our seeding games on Friday, I hit a triple in the last inning when we were down by two runs. Why is that bad news? Well, our third base coach thought it would be a good idea to wave me home – even though we had zero outs and I almost certainly would have scored the tying run if I stopped at third. As you probably already have guessed, I got thrown out at the plate. But we did manage to rally for two more runs and win that game, so I guess all’s well that ends well.

In any event, these unfortunate happenings pale into insignificance. Thanks to the home run, I can enjoy Walter Mitty-type fantasies for the next few months.

P.S. I’m also taking off in a couple of hours for a few days in the Cayman Islands, so life isn’t all that bad. Maybe I’ll be able to scout out a nice place that I can escape to when America descends into Greek-style fiscal chaos. I’ll just have to re-remind the local politicians not to wreck a great place by imposing an income tax.

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