The one liners from the late-night talks shows also tend to be quite popular. And since I like anybody who mocks politicians, I’m happy to share the ones that get me to chuckle.
- The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life.
- And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, “Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that’s my job. She has no right.”
- The average wedding now costs $27,000. Well, no wonder Newt Gingrich is broke. He’s constantly shelling out all that money.
- Newt Gingrich’s campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn’t have, maybe he really is qualified to be president.
- The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama’s administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don’t have to listen to disco.
- President Obama’s popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney.
- Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, or as Republicans call it, “President Obama’s socialist egg redistribution.”
- Mitt Romney had an Easter egg hunt as well. He does it a little differently. He hides money offshore and then the kids hunt for the nest egg.
- The earth’s population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can’t find one candidate they really like.
- Rick Santorum’s campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.
- Sarah Palin co-hosted the “Today” show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” What they’re going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down “Hunger Games” style.
- Oh, here’s your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It’s his money. It’s his money she spent.
- Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Mitt Romney is out of touch with America.
- Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he’s the guy who was going to fix our economy.
- Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, “What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me?”
- George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy.
- Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He say people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It’s a group of people known as Democrats.
- Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney.
- Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.
- There’s certainly nothing fun about paying taxes. But you have to remember that all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of the meter maids who give parking tickets, keep welfare checks flowing to the Octomom — important things like that.
- Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left.
- After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending.
- Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted bodyboarding in California. Yeah, Romney would have gone surfing, but you know — he hates standing for something.
- Actually, it turned out there weren’t enough waves that day, so Romney asked Newt Gingrich to do a cannonball.
- Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. His most recent update: “They still won’t let me go on the campaign trail.”
- Yesterday was April Fools’ Day. Mitt Romney’s staffers played a prank on him by staging a fake campaign event in an empty room — or as Newt Gingrich put it, “My staff has been playing that prank on me for six months.”
- The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they’re a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They’re already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination.