Time for another round of political jokes from the late-night talk shows.
- You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.
- Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.
- In Saturday night’s Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.
- According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she’s the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can’t testify against her husband.
- Mitt Romney says President Obama’s promises are like Kim Kardashian’s wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney’s positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding.
- Experts say traffic deaths are down because the bad economy means more cars are being repossessed, and all the unemployment means we don’t have as many people driving to work. So you know what that means? The White House economic plan is also their highway safety plan.
- When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, “I never heard of him, but then again, I don’t listen to that rap.”
- Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.
- Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.
- Tonight is the new season of “Jersey Shore.” It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries.
- Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa’s black community, otherwise known as Steve.
- Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, “When I’m president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me.”
- Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there’s a pretty good message to send to Middle America.
- When Rick Perry heard that, he said, “Well that’s nothing. I like to execute people.”
- Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And if it lasts longer than four hours, he’d better call a doctor.
- Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt.
- Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.
- I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants.
- Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that’s what two divorces will do for you.”
- I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.
- The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.
- President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of “Scooby-Doo” they did.
- France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy and give up. At which point they’re named a French citizen.
- Herman Cain is back. He’s planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house.