Time to laugh at the clowns in Washington. And nothing is more amusing than the cluster-you-know-what known as Obamacare. Here’s Gary Varvel’s amusing assessment.
Today, though we’re going to focus on the one-liners from the nighttime talk shows.
We’ll start with our favorite closet libertarian, Jay Leno
- President Obama’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare.
- Did you all turn your clocks back an hour over the weekend? It is easy to remember “spring ahead, fall back.” It’s like trying to log on to Obamacare. You spring ahead, make a little progress, then you fall back.
- NSA leaker Edward Snowden got a new job in Moscow. Not only that, but he was also able to sign up for “PutinCare.”
- It’s really trick-or-treat time at the White House. President Obama tricked us into thinking we’d be able to afford treatment.
- Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, “If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.” The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful.
- According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.
- The Obamacare website is not the only one crashing. The NSA website went offline Friday after suspected hackers broke into it. Hey, NSA: It’s not so much fun when people are sneaking into YOUR computer, is it?
- Some marketing experts are comparing the Obamacare website rollout to a Ford Edsel filled with New Coke. But they are making progress. They said today that if you find yourself getting too frustrated trying to log on, they’ve added a link to a suicide hot line.
- What the president should do is put the NSA in charge of the website. That way there’s nothing to fill out. They already have all our information. You just put your name in.
- Consumer Reports is now recommending that people sit back and wait a few weeks until the government fixes the problems. Really, a few weeks? When was the last time the government fixed anything in a few weeks? We still have troops in Korea, OK?
- A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join al-Qaida. Here’s the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare.
- Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in.
- Here’s my favorite part: The president said yesterday that if it’s taking too long you can bypass the website and enroll by mail. Only the federal government could come up with a website that’s slower than sending something by mail.
- It was kind of a rough day today. A friend of mine was given six months by his doctor — not to live, to sign up for Obamacare.
Lots of good Obamacare humor to add to our collection.
David Letterman seems a bit too deferential to Obama, but he has a few good jokes, and his jab about non-essential bureaucrats reminds me of these great MacNelly cartoons.
- Anybody try to sign up for Obamacare? It’s impossible, and everybody’s furious. The Republicans are upset about Obamacare because something they tried to stop now won’t get started.
- Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that’s a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God’s sake!
- We seem to be getting along just fine without a government during the shutdown. I just pray that when the shutdown is over, all nonessential employees — about 800,000 of them — will be back at their nonessential jobs.
Here are some jokes from Conan. I’m amused by the one comparing the popularity of politicians and lice. Reminds me of the results of this 2010 poll.
- The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us.
- New Jersey re-elected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, “I came back for seconds.”
- There’s been a lot of speculation but now it’s clear that Joe Biden will run for president in 2016. In an effort to appear presidential, today Biden launched a website that doesn’t work.
- The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.
- As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, “How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?”
We’ve just enjoyed a joke involving lice, so it’s appropriate that we now go the talk show host who gave us a great bedbug joke. Hare are some Craig Ferguson jokes one-liners.
- President Obama is still in trouble for this spying stuff. You can tell he is getting tired of talking about this scandal. Today he said, “Anyone want to talk about my birth certificate?”
- This morning Joe Biden personally greeted government employees who’d been out of work during the shutdown. Haven’t those people suffered enough?
- Because of the government shutdown, the White House is under attack — by squirrels. They’ve invaded the White House garden because the gardeners were laid off. Michelle Obama planted a garden to show how easy it is to grow your own food. All you need is water, sunlight, and 50 full-time federal employees.
This Jimmy Fallon joke is funny and it reminds me of a very serious point about why we should be at least quasi-optimistic about deep-sixing the Obamacare turkey.
- Only 12 percent of Americans think the rollout of Obamacare is going well, while 100 percent of Republicans think the rollout of Obamacare is going GREAT.
Last but not least, here are a pair of Jimmy Kimmel jokes.
- In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, “This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website.”
- The government shutdown officially ended last night. Should we be happy the government is back? I feel like my sister got back together with an abusive boyfriend or something.
The part about whether we should be happy with a re-opened government is right on the mark. I was only half-joking when I suggested we should just leave it closed.
Let’s close with a very good image of a new Mount Rushmore.
Seems like Jimmy Carter belongs in that cartoon, but I guess he doesn’t have any famous lines to parody. In any event, this isn’t the first time we’ve featured Mount Rushmore in some humor. Click here to see another way Obama could (sort of) get recognized.