A New Batch of One-Liners Provides more Evidence of Jay Leno’s Inner Libertarianism

I’ve already speculated that Jay Leno is a closet libertarian.

If nothing else, the latest batch of jokes, courtesy of News-max, shows that he’s willing to go after Obama. Which is more than can be said for some of his competitors.

Jay Leno

• Al-Qaida’s No. 2 man in Yemen was killed this week by a drone strike. He was doing a cover shoot for Rolling Stone and they were able to pinpoint him.
• President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing.
• According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. You can die from doing nothing. Believe me. These findings scare the hell out of the Congress.
• President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli is his favorite food. You know, it’s one thing to lie to the voters, but when you’re lying to kids, come on.
• NSA leaker Edward Snowden says he may seek asylum in Russia. Well, he should really love the freedom and openness of that society.
• According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it’s not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.
• Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they’re talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don’t seem so greedy anymore, do they?
• President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn’t worked here — so try it somewhere else.
• The Girl Scouts announced that their pension plan has a $347 million deficit. The Girl Scouts are $347 million in debt, so in addition to teaching girls about camping it also is preparing them for careers in government.
• President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he’s sweating a lot more during his second term.
• In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss.

As you can imagine, the joke about Obamacare and the deficit resonated with me.

And the joke about taxing marijuana reminds me of what I wrote about the downside to legalization.

David Letterman

• It turns out the Pakistani police pulled Osama bin Laden over for speeding. Pulled him over and wrote the guy a ticket. So listen. I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden, OK?

Conan

• In an interview about the New York elections, Eliot Spitzer, who you remember was caught frequenting prostitutes, described himself as a feminist. And Anthony Weiner described himself as a photographer.
• President Obama’s approval rating is down to 44 percent. You can tell Obama’s getting desperate because today he gave a speech entitled “Hey, guys, the Twinkie is coming back next week.”
• Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford signed a new contract paying him $76 million. They’re paying him $62 million just to live in Detroit.
• Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to hide by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, “I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat.”
• Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she’s so old that she could be a Republican.
• In New York, the new front-runner in the New York City mayor’s race is Anthony Weiner. Some analysts say it’s due to name recognition. Actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name.

Jimmy Fallon

• Political experts say that Eliot Spitzer’s decision to return to politics could hurt Anthony Weiner’s chances of becoming mayor. Or as Spitzer put it, “See? I’m making things better already.”
• Political experts are saying Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they’d definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still.

If you want more Weiner jokes, click here.

Last but not least, we have a PG-13 joke. Per my usual procedure with humor that’s a bit off color, it’s minimized so you can choose not to be exposed.

Sort of reminds me of a mix between this joke and this joke.

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