Here’s another amusing email that landed in my inbox. Sort of the same theme as our joke about Canada.
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Dear American liberals, leftists, statists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, etc:
We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but this latest election has made me realize that we should get a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking an appropriate portion. We’re happy to give you New England and the West Coast. The good people of New Hampshire obviously will need some time to pack up and move to flyover country, and we’ll give the tenured professors in university towns ample time to relocate in your share of the country.
–We don’t like redistributive taxes and the IRS, so you can keep them.
–You are welcome to the left-wing judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
–You can have your beloved welfare grubbers, food stamp recipients, homeless, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s, and rednecks.
–We’ll keep the Bibles and give you the networks and Hollywood.
–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClaine. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
–We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks, and full-sized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru, Volvo, and Prius you can find.
–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
–We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a product of the marketplace and not a right.
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
–We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberals. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you $10 (our new gold-backed dollar, not your QE15 dollar) which one of us will need help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
American libertarians, conservatives, traditionalists, constitutionalists, etc
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, &; Jane Fonda with you.
P.P.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
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Worthy of PJ O’Rourke!
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We tried this once, and they violently demanded we stay so they could keep our tax dollars. I think it was called the war of northern aggression or something like that.
By and large, I agree with all your sentiments. But keep your damn hands off my Prius until I can get a job to pay for the fuel for one of those gas guzzlers with enough HP to put it in orbit.
It it interesting how some use language that could be defined as “fighting words”…. such as, “the bloodlust of the Neocons and Theocrats”.
Are you UNHAPPY because you’re one of those angry progressives who live in “fly-over” country?
Not happy at the prospect of being expected to move to RENT-CONTROLLED NYC, San Fran, or other liberal bastions where you’ll get a 600 sq ft “broom closet” in a nasty part of town for what you now pay for a 3,000 sq ft 5-Bed/4-bath house on 40 acres just a 30-minute commute outside of town?
You guys can even keep Wall Street and the Chicago Exchanges — we’ll set up our own, or decentralize it further. (we’ll even let you keep Warren “Obama’s my buddy who promised to kill the Keystone XL pipeline so I could use my trains to move that same oil as long as I kickback a certain $$ amount each year” Buffet).
It’s funny how Iraq has disappeared off the map when it comes to news coverage. While the media used to inform us nightly of a “daily death toll” as well as the total KIA since the war started, does anyone on the left care about how many Iraqis are being killed now that we “flushed that investment of blood & money, as well as our credibility”.
But who gets the DEBT? Not the $17+ Trillion on the “books”, but the $100,000,000,000,000.00+ ($100 Trillion) “Unfunded Liabilities”?
I’d say that we also need to ship any and all Gov’t Employees, along with their unfunded liabilities, over to the “Blue” U.S.S.A.
But like it or not, to make this divorce happen without bloodshed, the NEW “limited government” USA would have to man-up and take the majority of the $17 Trillion Debt (while the leftists and progressives get the unfunded liabilities).
“–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.”
Here’s where we must stop you. That’s the problem with the Puritans – they think they’re God’s Earthly Enforcers sent to punish the sinners.
God’s Will is Free Will You can’t stop evil by murdering people, not even evil ones – the evil is in the killing of a person, period.
That’s what powers the whole hoplophobe movement – the bloodlust of the Neocons and Theocrats.
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Midge Baker,
Is it a deal?
You keep your taxes and you keep Federal regulations as well?
Yipee! We get to be free ?!?!?!
Its worth it!!!!! Soon you will be begging us for cash.
Sean L……. Get a mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!As you don’t have one now!!!!!!!!!!!!
Absolutely fabulous!
Don’t think we’ll be sory to see yiu go.
Federal Taxes paid/received for each State
http://visualizingeconomics.com/2010/02/17/federal-taxes-paidreceived-for-each-state/#.UDFcXqCCmFQ
The Original Civil War Confederacy
Alabama receives 1.66 per tax dollar paid.
Arkansas receives 1.41 per tax dollar paid.
Florida, receives 0.97 for each tax dollar it pays
Georgia, receives 1.01 per tax dollar paid.
Kentucky receives 1.51 per tax dollar paid
Louisiana receives 1.78 per tax dollar paid
Mississippi, receives 2.02 per tax dollar paid.
Missouri receives 1.32 per tax dollar paid
North Carolina, receives 1.08 per tax dollar paid
South Carolina, receives 1.35 per tax dollar paid.
Tennessee, receives 1.27 per tax dollar paid
Texas, receives 0.94 per tax dollar paid.
Virginia, receives 1.51 per tax dollar paid.
At the time of the Civil war, Arizona was an affiliatted Territory. Now as a state,
Arizona receives 1.19 per tax dollar paid.
[…] P.P.S. Sometimes people have irreconcilable differences, which is why this post about the right and left getting a divorce is amusing. […]
The conflict is not about the divorce. Both sides would be happy with separation. It’s the alimony payments we get hang up on.
@Thomas, Isn´t that what history tells us was more the democrats ” cup of tea”. Up there with KKK and so on
So this stuff isn’t what the right really wants? I don’t get the joke…maybe if you add some stuff about bringing slavery back I can give it a chuckle.
They can have TSA too. “gay rights?” give the Log Cabin Repubs a call. I’m looking forward to nobody telling anybody else about who or what they do in their bedroom, or what color they are, yada yada.
“We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks, and full-sized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru, Volvo, and Prius you can find.”
Ouch. I agree on Volvo and Prius, and would gladly add Smart to the deal, but Subaru? That will not do. The Impreza WRX STi is one of the finest inexpensive sports cars on the market. And even though I’d rather have an Evo X, the Subbie is still too good for liberals.
[…] Lees verder hoe de bezittingen zouden kunnen worden verdeeld. […]
The irony is that in a free country, socialists can “divorce” us and set up their own little utopia anytime they feel like it. There’s nothing stopping any group of like-minded people from forming their own sub-community. People do it for religious reasons all the time.
A bunch of pinkos could form a commune – and in the 21st Century they don’t even have to do it physically – in which they collectively help each other and redistribute their wealth internally, while the rest of us go about our evil capitalist business, (their system does not allow for the reverse).
If socialism really works so well, and results in happier people, more benefits, and their healthcare costs less …
… excuse me a moment, I just laughed soda out my nose typing that *cough* …
… If it works so well, then their collective should be able to out-compete the rest of us. More and more people would get on board with them as it became apparent they had better benefits for less money under their Michael-Mooronian system.
So why in the face of such an easy option do they feel the need to force everyone into their experiment? They seem to be claiming it will only work when everyone in the entire nation does it at gunpoint. Yet there’s no reason to think that’s the case.
They might suggest they need rich people to tax to make it work. But I’m sure all the Hollywood millionaires and limousine socialists would be more than happy to put their money where their mouth is for the benefit of the community and to prove once and for all that socialism works. How many other socialists could a person like Oprah Winfrey support? Ten thousand? Twenty thousand?
All she need do is start with that size community and expand from there. No need to worry about the rest of the US population yet. They would no doubt be flocking to sign up after they see what a great success it all is, and it would snowball from there. All the best doctors would want to work in Oprahland, while the rest of us tried to get by in our capitalist hell with the remaining ones who were only out to make money.
And since all the redistribution would be internal, only the basic functions of external government would be required, (national defence, etc.), so they would finally agree with Libertarians, reduce those outside taxes, to put minimal external demands on their system.
When you look at it that way, why would these people even bother trying to convince us, or seek to petition government and pass laws, when they could have their socialist utopia right now – today?
I think we should keep the druggies. The drug dealers are a great source of capital. Maybe we just take the importers and they can have the druggies. That could work. But we would have to make drugs legal and they would have to keep them illegal for the scheme to work.
The author of this obviously doesn’t know what a libertarian is, or what they believe.
The only time the ACLU has issues is when they use overreaching government regulation to strong-arm businesses. When they defend individuals against government, they do good work.
“We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values”
So long to gay rights, then.
“…we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.”
I’ll bet you’d be happy to keep the war on drugs, too?
It’s just as hard to convince a Bush-era conservative that they’re as ideologically dishonest as an Obama-loving progressive.
You can keep the Ben bernanke, its Fed, its dollar and his friends the Big Banks, we will go with gold and free banking.