Here’s another amusing email that landed in my inbox. Sort of the same theme as our joke about Canada.
Dear American liberals, leftists, statists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, etc:
We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but this latest election has made me realize that we should get a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking an appropriate portion. We’re happy to give you New England and the West Coast. The good people of New Hampshire obviously will need some time to pack up and move to flyover country, and we’ll give the tenured professors in university towns ample time to relocate in your share of the country.
–We don’t like redistributive taxes and the IRS, so you can keep them.
–You are welcome to the left-wing judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
–You can have your beloved welfare grubbers, food stamp recipients, homeless, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s, and rednecks.
–We’ll keep the Bibles and give you the networks and Hollywood.
–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClaine. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
–We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks, and full-sized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru, Volvo, and Prius you can find.
–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
–We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a product of the marketplace and not a right.
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
–We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberals. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you $10 (our new gold-backed dollar, not your QE15 dollar) which one of us will need help in 15 years.
American libertarians, conservatives, traditionalists, constitutionalists, etc
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, &; Jane Fonda with you.
P.P.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.