Let’s now have some fun by mocking despicable and loathsome people (i.e., politicians).
There are several good jabs at Gingrich below, but the first two Leno one-liners against Obama are very effective and funny.
- President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault.
- A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser.
- Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don’t know if it would really work.
- The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.
- You know a really sad thing about Valentine’s Day? Some people can’t have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.
- New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey.
- Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.
- Things are not looking good for Romney. His popularity has really dropped. Right now he’s running behind Syrian President Assad.
- Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?
- Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way.
- Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.
- President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties.
- Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn’t died a couple of months ago. But don’t worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell. (not political, but this is such a nice thought that I wanted to share)
- Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.
- Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he’s against same-marriage sex.
- Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.
- Newt Gingrich has criticized “New York elites” who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.
- Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
- President Obama’s approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off.
- Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.
- Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.
- During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.
- Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements.
- Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.
- Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill.
- Snoop Dogg endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot to legalizing pot.
- Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren’t suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of “The View.”
- Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.
- President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence.
- In Manhattan, the New York Giants had their own ticker tape parade. They don’t use much ticker tape on Wall Street anymore. Stock brokers just toss government bailout money from the windows.
- Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the “Goldilocks candidate.” Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.
And to preempt a bunch of emails from people who are too lazy to use the search function, you can read previous posts with similar jokes from the late-night talk shows by clicking here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.