I’ve been getting some emails complaining that it’s been a while since I posted the funniest politcal one-liners from the late-night comics. Well, I’m susceptible to peer pressure, so your wish is my command.
Here are some from Jay Leno:
- A 6th-grade student from Springfield, New Jersey, who asked Gov. Chris Christie for campaign advice, wound up losing his election for student council. Worse still, he asked President Obama for economic advice and he now owes his school $14 trillion.
- Sarah Palin announced that she will not run for president. The reason? She couldn‘t find her birth certificate.
- Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is “shrinking the American pie.” And believe me, if there’s one thing Christie hates, it’s a small pie.
- China is facing a financial crisis. The unemployment rate there is a staggering 12 percent among 3-year-olds.
- White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he’ll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election.
- The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico.
- President Obama joined other world leaders in trying to convince Greece to cut back in spending and reduce their debt. This is part of their “do as we say not as we do” summit, apparently.
- Political experts say that if Greece goes under, the world banks will go under, and then the U.S. economy will go under, and this will cost President Obama the election. But Obama still has three chances to win: Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, and Herman Cain.
- Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech.
- Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that’s kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he’s not a liar, he’s obviously not cut out for politics.
- A guy named Reggie Love leaving the White House to get a degree at the Wharton School of Business. I guess he realized you can’t learn anything about economics in the Obama White House
- People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he’s not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president.
- Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he’d taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra.
And David Letterman:
- I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.
- Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he’s not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster.
- President Obama had his annual checkup and everything looks good. His cholesterol is down, his blood pressure is down, and his approval ratings are down.
- Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.
Two good ones from Craig Ferguson:
- It’s the third week of the Wall Street protests and they’ve closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move.
- The protesters stood outside the homes of five rich dudes. Michael Moore was actually able to stand outside all five homes at the same time.
Jimmy Kimmel has a couple:
- There’s a bill in Florida to repeal the state ban on dwarf tossing. Is this what Republicans mean when they say they want smaller government?
- The big movie was the latest installment of ” Twilight” It made more than $140 million over the weekend. I have to say it’s refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn’t involve the Palins.
And also Jimmy Fallon:
- A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That’s right, a mythical creature who probably doesn’t exist. Or as Republicans call that, “a presidential candidate.”
- President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, “Oh, you’ll see.”
- A company in Illinois is selling a collectible baby doll of President Obama. It’s really cute. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter.
- And just so Republicans don’t complain, it comes with a birth certificate.
- Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave.
- President Obama came home after a nine-day trip to Asia. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs.
- Tonight was the 14th Republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads.
Conan takes a few shots:
- At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they’ve been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny’s across the street.
- This morning on the “Today” show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him “dad.”
- According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, “We’re still getting used to having a Muslim president.”
- Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.