Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon have the best ones this week.
From Jay Leno:
- President Obama’s motorcade was fined $16 for traffic it caused while in the United Kingdom. Typical for Obama, he said, “My grandkids will pay for it.
- Texas Gov. Rick Perry says God is calling on him to run for president, and Michele Bachmann says God is calling on her to run for president. If God is so indecisive, he’s probably for Mitt Romney.
- President Obama said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn’t turn 50 until Aug. 4. This means that even he hasn’t seen his birth certificate.
- President Obama’s staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.
From Jimmy Kimmel:
- Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya.
- The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing.
- MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name.
From Jimmy Fallon:
- A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA.
- The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans. Which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps.
From David Letterman:
- Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called “Unscented.”