I don’t believe in respecting politicians because they don’t respect us. They either treat us like fatted calves to be slaughtered with class warfare taxation or as wards of the state that should be permanently trapped in lives of dependency.
So you can understand why I cheer when the evening talk show hosts mock these reprehensible slugs. Here are my favorite one-liners from the past couple of weeks.
- President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you’re $16 trillion in debt, they don’t let you in.
- Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states.
- Did you all watch the debate last night? I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn’t decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game.
- Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney.
- One of President Obama’s winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it’s President Obama.
- So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what’s scarier than four more years of this economy?
- Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? Tonight was the third and final presidential debate.
- Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.
- Can you believe it’s only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?
- Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They’re very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote.
- You know the Obama campaign’s in trouble when they’re looking to Joe Biden to turn things around.
- It’s Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.
- Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.
- Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda.
- A lot of crazy rumors are starting to surface about the two candidates. A man is claiming that President Obama used and sold cocaine in college. On the bright side, if this is true, it means Obama does have business experience.
- Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy.
- Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She’ll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception.
- On Sunday, a documentary about Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal will air exclusively on CNN. Armstrong was like, “Phew — thank God no one’s going to see it.”
- This week President Obama’s Facebook page received more than a million “Likes” in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week’s debate.
- In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, “Any way they can play him in a debate?”