I’ve been inundated with jokes in recent days and I’m in a mood to share.
The first two have a political theme, and I warn you that the second one if R-rated (and I changed it so you can insert “Bush” or “Obama” depending on your political preferences).
I’m also throwing in a good redneck joke as a bonus.
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, “Where have you been?”
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Some parts of the planet will be extremely hot, while others will be very cold and covered in ice.”
God continued pointing to different areas. “I’ve placed a continent of white people here, and over there is a continent of black people, and another continent for yellow people. Balance in all things.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that part of the world?”
“That’s Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”
God smiled, “Right next to Virginia is Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”
One day in the future, the President has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
The President thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” the President said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented the President.
The devil opened a third door. The President saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
The President looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said………..
“OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”